My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
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