The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
