I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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