I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
