just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I die, sorry about rent.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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