Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
