It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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