The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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