I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
