my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
