thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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