He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize