kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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