Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
