I could make wine with my vomit
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
