Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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