I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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