I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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