i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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