I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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