I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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