I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
