Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
