dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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