dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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