two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize