I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
