The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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