Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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