There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish you could order shots online.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
