fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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