so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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