In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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