3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
