Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
