can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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