Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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