What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
