No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
