I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
