I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
