the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
