Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
