Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
