Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
false alarm. still invincible.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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