Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
