last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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