dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
