Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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