We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize