My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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