it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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