life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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