Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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