I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
