I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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