: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
